:: Edgeliving: Master Jim and slave marsha ::

:: Thursday, September 29, 2005 ::

Back to the Basics – The Use of Language in M/s Relationships

Maybe it’s the water, the heat of the lingering Texas summer, or nocturnal visits from Carl Jung (don’t ask), but it seems that I have gotten off on a philosophical tangent in recent postings. Don’t get me wrong -- I enjoy deep and esoteric discussions about various aspects of Mastery and slavery. But I also am adamant that one cannot stray too far from the basics without experiencing problems in M/s relationships.

While I am not a micromanager in my M/s relationship, I firmly believe that I need to pay attention to the details. The detail I want to address in this post is the language of Mastery and slavery, or what I refer to as the “I, We and Our Syndrome.” By that I simply mean that in order to have M/s relationships that grow and thrive over the long run, I believe it is important to pay attention to the language of the Master and the language of the slave.

Any time we talk about the basics of a consensual Master/slave relationship, it is necessary to remind ourselves that the only reason these relationships exist is because we believe they exist and because we act in accordance with that belief. No Western society, no law, creates or enforces consensual M/s relationships. Instead, in order for these relationships to exist, they must be fully accepted philosophically, mentally and emotionally by those in the relationship. We must believe that we are Master and slave and not just that we play a Master or slave role. We must believe that whatever principles of ownership are in place do, in fact, mean that a slave is owned. One of the ways in which I and my slave act in accordance with that belief is through the language used in this Master/slave relationship.

Language is a fundamental part of all of our lives and relationships. Through language, we communicate and define our relationships. The names we use to speak of others, the words we choose to describe our connections, and the tone and inflection of our speech all speak volumes about the relationship both to us and those around us.

Since my Master/slave relationship with slave marsha is not based on the concept of an equal partnership, I believe the language I use and require in the relationship should support that concept. In other words, the language used should reinforce the M/s relationship, rather than reinforce society’s concept of a partnership.

One area of language I have found that particularly impacts the way I and slave marsha view this Master/slave relationship is her use of certain pronouns. For example, her use of the pronoun “I,” even if is lower cased, implies ownership by her. The use of “we” and “our” can be seen to imply a partnership between the two of us. So, when slave marsha uses these pronouns a bit too frequently, I caution her about the “I, We and Our Syndrome.” In contrast, avoiding these pronouns seems to help slave marsha keep her focus on who she is and what makes this relationship different, further supporting the M/s dynamic.

Let me be clear: I am not suggesting that there pronouns be eliminated from a slave’s vocabulary, or that a slave use the third person in speech (a practice I personally find cumbersome and annoying). Instead, I have found it useful to simply be aware of the extent to which theses pronouns are used by my slave, as a barometer of how fully she and I are living what we believe about Mastery and slavery. But how much use is too much? Clearly, it is up to the Master to determine what level of use of these pronouns is acceptable – and for me, that level may well change depending on the surrounding circumstances.

In addition to the “I, We, and Our Syndrome,” let me identify a few other “basics” I believe are important to require in the language of a slave:

* Avoid expectations in language (statements like “I thought that…”);

* Avoid whining and complaining in language and tone;

* Whatever is said, say it with respect.

Pretty obvious stuff, but like so many obvious things, not always easy to do.

So far, I have only addressed the need for the slave to be careful with language, but in fact, the Master must be mindful of language as well – both the slave’s language and his or her own. A Master who speaks too often in terms of “we and our” in connection with a Master/slave relationship makes it more difficult for the slave to be mindful of language, and also may find him or herself beginning to view the M/s relationship in ways that do not support the dynamic. Other language basics for a Master include:

* Avoid whining and complaining in language and tone;

* Learn to speak with control, and avoid losing your temper.

Of course, as with all things Master and slave, there is no precise formula or set of rules to govern the language of the relationship. Each relationship is unique, and the language used in each relationship will be unique to it. All I can do is offer are some general guidelines, some cautions, and some thoughts on what is for me, a “basic” in my Master/slave relationship.


In leather,
Master Jim

:: 10:59 AM [+] ::
...

You Can’t Go Home Again -- Or Can you?

Thomas Wolfe’s critically acclaimed novel, You Can’t Go Home Again, was published in 1940. The novel chronicles a man’s search for himself and centers on the theme that you cannot recover the past. This novel came to my mind when I began reading a book entitled Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally Really Grow Up by James Hollis (2005).

Wolfe’s novel and Hollis’ book are similar in that both refer to the fetters of the past and, in different ways, ask a person to confront that which defines him from the past in order to find his personal path through the dark wood. Hollis frames the confrontation by listing a series of questions under the heading: “Your Life is Addressing These Questions to You.” Some of the questions Hollis asks us are:

*What had brought you to this place in your journey, this moment in your life?

*What gods, what forces, what family, what social environment, has framed your reality, perhaps supported, perhaps constricted it?

*Whose life have you been living?

*Why do you believe that you have to hide so much, from others, from yourself?

*Why does the idea of your soul trouble you, and feel familiar at the same time?

*Why is the life you are living too small for the soul’s desire?

*Why is now the time, if ever it is to happen, for you to answer the summons of the soul, the invitation to the second, larger life?

In these two books, two very different authors raise in different ways the ultimate question for Masters and slaves: who are we? In fact, it is my belief that we must devote a significant part of our Master and slave journey to the discovery of who we really are. For most of us, becoming a Master or a slave requires that we spend a great deal of time both confronting our pasts and learning to leave behind much of what those pasts taught us.

A while back I wrote that the only constant in life was change. A response to that post by a reader suggested that in addition to change, one’s “I am” is also a constant. I agree. That nevertheless leaves significant room for disagreement on what the “I am” is and how or if the “I am” is related to how we identify as Master or slave.

The “I am” -- what Carl Jung refers to as The Self -- is what we, including Wolfe and Hollis, are all searching for whether we acknowledge that search or not. While I am not an expert on Jungian philosophy, I believe that Carl Jung’s Self is a representation of the “I am.” The Self is that force within us that “seeks the state of being that is the apparent purpose of our incarnation in the first place.” (Hollis, p 5) Others postulate that the “I am” is the divine part of all of us, the part that connects all of us, and/or the part that is behind who and what we are and thus cannot be defined by secular identities such as Master or slave.

At the risk of exposing my training as a applied scientist and offending those whose philosophical theses I am greatly oversimplifying, I choose to abandon the philosophical debate on the differences between the “I am” and one’s identity as Master or slave and instead focus on a view that I believe we might more effectively use as earth-bound Masters and slaves.

I believe that our identities can be so strongly felt, can so call to us, that the “I am” essentially merges with and become ones with our identities, at least while we are on this earth. That means that for all practical purposes, my “I am” and my identity are one and the same. (What may happen after we leave this earth is, of course, the topic of another discussion.)

For me, the identity that defines who I am is Master. That identity, that concept, has merged for this life with what resides within me as the “I am.” The same, I believe is true of slave marsha and her identity as a slave, as well as for some others who feel the call of their identities as strongly as we do.

In this view, Wolfe was both right and wrong. While we may not be able to go home to our past as defined by parents, education, and religion, we can indeed go home to who we really are and always have been, even if we have hidden it from ourselves. Home in this case is that inner core of you that is your “I am”, your Self, your identity, your connection to the divine.

I often say you cannot make someone into something they are not. You cannot make a person into a Master or a slave if that is not who they are, if Master or slave is not their “I am.” It is a primary part of our journey to discover who we are and then to live that life. To find answers to the questions posed by Hollis, to be true to our divine Self. Yes, to finally and ultimately go home.

And with that, I promise to go home to a more "practical" topic with my next post.

In leather,

Master Jim

:: 10:14 AM [+] ::
...

The Journey

As i noted some time ago, from time to time i'll post a writing that Master Jim or i find meaningful or useful, in the hope it will help someone else. This is one of those posts.

Master Jim... this one is for You.

The Journey
by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life that you could save.

And the stars do burn, Sir... and guide our Journey.

--slave marsha

:: 1:01 PM [+] ::
...

How in the World Did *This* Happen?

People email me on a fairly regular basis, asking questions about my Master/slave relationship with Master Jim. i’m happy to answer, because it gives me a chance to talk with others who are interested in living in these kinds of relationships and it helps me to remember that i’m not alone. (Unfortunately, because of the press of my service and schedule, i can’t always answer quickly, but people are nearly always wonderfully understanding about the time lag.)

One of the most frequent questions i get is some variation of this one: “Okay, let me see if I understand this. Master Jim is a gay leatherman. You’re a leatherdyke. He’s your Owner. You’re his slave. How in the world did *this* happen?”

Okay, i’ll try to answer that.

Let’s start at the very beginning – why do people in our leather/SM community do what they do? Why do they seek out leather/SM? If we listen to the greater leather/SM community, the most common answer we’ll hear is…. sex. Or sex and SM – which for many is essentially the same thing. (And i have no problem with that view.) There is a wide spread belief in our community that sex is at the heart of what we do and that it’s sex that mostly drives our interest in SM and Mastery/slavery. Even the pre-eminent organization for protecting the rights of our leather/SM community is based on this idea – after all, it is called the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF).

But if you start with the assumption that what we do is based first and foremost on sex, you’re going to have a great deal of difficulty understanding how my M/s relationship with Master Jim happened.

In order to understand, you’ve got to start with an entirely different set of assumptions. What i do with Master Jim is based on service and obedience. Not sex. Not gender. Not sexual orientation. Not SM. Not romantic love. Just service and obedience. i don’t need someone to be a particular gender or sexual orientation in order to obey them. And i don’t need to be romantically in love with someone in order to serve them.

But there are some things that i do need in order to be content in a Master/slave relationship. i need someone who is willing and able to take responsibility for all parts of my life, and someone who is fulfilled by taking on that tremendous responsibility. i need someone who is willing and able to control me. i need someone who wants to be served, and who is able to accept service from me and correct it when it falls short of what it should be. i need someone who wants to use that absolute control over me to help me develop as fully as possible into a slave whose whole focus is on obedience and service.

So back to the initial question -- how did *this* happen – how did Master Jim and i end up together in this relationship? Take another look at my list of needs. None of those needs depends on gender or sexual compatibility. The person who provides me with those things could be any combination of genders and sexual orientations.

It just so happens that in this life, the Divine chose to provide for my needs through a gay leatherman.

One day, i was somewhat frustrated with Master Jim. (i know, i know – not a very slave-like attitude.) i don’t even remember why i was so frustrated, but i do remember what i said to Him: “Sir, in my next life, i’m going to serve a butch woman!” He paused a moment, looked at me and smiled just a little. Then He said, “And what makes you think that butch woman won’t be me?”

After i got past the mental image of Master Jim as a butch (actually, it was kind of hot!), i realized He was really on to something. The things that make Him the right Master and Owner for me have nothing to do with His gender and sexual orientation. Once you truly get your head around that concept, it isn’t so difficult to figure out how a gay leatherman and a leatherdyke ended up as Master and slave.

The spirit that is Master Jim is the right counterpart for the spirit that is slave marsha.

And that’s the answer.

--slave marsha

:: 2:16 PM [+] ::
...

Two Milestones

I want to take this opportunity to honor the two people who are in my service. Both slave marsha and ryan, my man in service, entered into my service on May 1st: slave marsha, 8 years ago and ryan, 1 year ago. I accepted slave marsha as my slave after 2 years of knowing her and only after months of thought and discussion about whether I wanted a slave. I also knew ryan for a long period of time prior to his coming into service. In fact, he was (and is) also a member of my immediate leather family.

Why did they both come into service on May 1st? While I believe the fact that they each entered my service on the 1st of May is not merely a coincidence, I can tell you that I did not plan it that way. I did not delay ryan's entry into service so that it would coincide with the date slave marsha entered into service. But since the Master/slave journey I have taken with slave marsha has survived through many difficulties, I also believe the date May 1st now has both symbolic and spiritual meaning for me, and without consciously realizing it, I was guided by the leather gods to take ryan into my service on the same day.

I must give special recognition at this time to slave marsha, for she has the battle scars to prove that she has been in service for an extended period of time. It is not only through her service to me, but more importantly, through her giving up complete control to me, that I have come to realize that an Owner with a slave like her is truly blessed. My model of Mastery is based upon complete control, and therefore, upon my complete responsibility. Those requirements are difficult to attain and sustain and require someone with a strong and true slave heart and spirit.

I also want to say that for both slave marsha and for ryan, this is not the celebration of an anniversary. As the name of this post states, it is the recognition of a milestone. I am most adamant (some would say too adamant) in not mixing elements of what I see to be indicators of a partnership with my Master/slave and man in service relationships. Therefore, there are no cards, there are no gifts, there are no celebratory dinners. Rather, there is a simple statement:

Thank you both for your service to me -- you have done well.

One thing I have learned in the past year is that I enjoy having more than one person in my service. I have realized I enjoy the challenges, the opportunities, and the benefits that come from having more than one person in service -- not only to me, but to those who are in service to me. Some say that all I need to fill out my "matched set" is a boy -- and while that may be true, if I do add another person, it will be someone who has a heart for service, rather than any particular identity.

Having said that, I say with a smile on my face, that while it is never to early to begin talking, it appears that May 2006 is the earliest anyone else could come into my service.

In leather,
Master Jim

:: 11:30 AM [+] ::
...

New Feature

i've had a chance to turn on the "comments" feature of this blog -- i hope this makes it easier for you as readers to comment and discuss if you like. For now, i'll leave the "Discuss Edgeliving" link live as well.

--slave marsha

:: 11:51 AM [+] ::
...

Choices

Choices. We all have to make them. We can’t avoid them. Although we may try to convince ourselves otherwise, even not choosing is a choice.

i choose to be this, but that means i won’t be that. i’ll have this relationship, but if i do, i can’t have that one. i’ll go here, but it means i can’t go there. Choices limit and define our worlds, our identities, our lives. The hard, hard truth is, none of us can have it all. We have to accept that, although far too many of us spend our lives in denial of that truth.

i think the most important choice i’ve made in my life is the choice i made to serve, to be a slave. But as i’ve traveled along this path that i chose, i’ve been stunned to discover that people pity me for my choice. Why? Because when i tell someone that i’m a slave, that i chose to turn over as much control of my life as possible to my Owner, they focus on what that choice required me to give up. And make no mistake about it – because of my choice, i have had to give up many things: control over how i dress, where i work, what i’m allowed to spend money on, where i go, who i can date, and so much more. (Note that as a femme leatherdyke “how i dress” was first on that list!)

i think it’s natural to look at what a choice makes us give up or requires us to pass by. Choosing is a frightening act, so it makes sense that we instinctively look at what we will lose by the choice we are asked to make. i think that’s particularly true when the choice is a truly significant and life changing one, like whether or not to enter service.

But let me let you in on a little secret, if you haven’t already discovered it for yourself: making a choice can also expand your horizons in ways you couldn’t have imagined, and in ways you couldn’t experience without making that choice.

That’s what choosing slavery has been like for me. No, it hasn’t all been fun and games, a bed of roses or hot times in the dungeon. (i hope that’s clear to anyone who’s read my thoughts on this website!) But by choosing – by understanding and accepting that i cannot have it all and so must choose – i’ve gained the incredible freedom to explore this thing called “consensual slavery” as deeply as possible.

There’s a song out by a group called Finger Eleven. The song is called “One Thing” – right now, it’s my favorite song and the lyrics to it are really what inspired me to write this entry. In part, it goes like this:

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something?

That’s how i see the choice i made to enter service. i gave it all away for one thing: to experience consensual slavery as fully as I can. i won’t tell you that i know all about this one thing – because i don’t – but believe i’ve given myself a priceless gift – the chance to know about it as deeply as possible.

Some of you who read those lyrics may think they’re sad… after all, look at everything i gave up for the one thing. But to me, those lyrics are filled with joy. They represent freedom – the freedom to choose to explore deeply in this life.

For me, the sad lyrics are the ones that come next in the song:

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time.

A choice made… to walk on by.

Or...

A choice made… to give it all away. To face the fear of choosing. To see how deep i can go.

Wouldn’t that be something?

It is.

--slave marsha

:: 10:55 AM [+] ::
...

slave marsha's LLC9 Keynote Address

i was honored to be asked to present the closing keynote address at the Leather Leadership Conference 9 last weekend in Phoenix. For those who might be interested in what i had to say, a link to the entire speech is in the Links section on the left hand side of this page.

In service,
slave marsha

:: 2:07 PM [+] ::
...

The Only Constant is Change

To those of you who are, or were, regular readers of this blog, I and slave marsha apologize for the absence of posts. In the clear view of hindsight, the best course of action would have been to close the site for a period of time rather than simply allow the pages to gather dust. Since we did not do that, I hope readers will tolerate the lack of posts here and on the discussion group. I do hope that this new posting will be the beginning of what once was the “regular irregularity” of our writings.


********************************************************
How many times have you said: If I can only get(insert your choice here) a new job, a raise, a new house, a new car, a better trained slave, or a fully-equipped dungeon, I’ll have it made. It seems to be the human condition that we live our lives in pursuit of some ideal end state. Yet the reality is that at least in this physical life there is no end state; instead, we experience constant and continual patterns of change. As we grow and mature our bodies change, as we are exposed to formal and life education our minds change, and as we walk with others our relationships change.

Most of the time we are fortunate and the changes we experience are slight and very subtle. Wrinkles etch our faces over decades and not weeks, the knowledge needed for life and careers is gathered formally and informally all of our lives, the skills needed to successfully master or serve are acquired as one walks the path of Master and slave. But there are times when change is sudden and absolute.

On October 9, 2004, I and slave marsha faced one of those sudden and absolute changes when a call came at 9:00 p.m. informing us that my youngest son was dead. Only now, five months later, can I begin to see the impact the loss of my son’s life had on me, slave marsha, and those close to me. Although we did go on, I can now say that our lives were shattered at the instant of the 9:00 PM call. If I think of it now, I see a large, clear picture window being hit by a brick. On impact, the glass shatters, leaving sharp and jagged edges where only moments ago there was a smooth, shiny surface. At the moment that call came, our lives were shattered and forever changed -- but I could not and did not realize that until later.

In the days that followed, I began asking myself the question of whether I could continue the Master/slave journey, whether I could continue to be Master and Sir to those who served me. While my answer to the question always was “yes,” I now realize that what I felt intellectually was not what I was exhibiting in practice. I knew in my mind that I could still walk the path of mastery, but those around me, slave marsha, my man in service ryan, boy alex, and Madame, with whom I shared boy alex, were left adrift without much guidance or interaction from me while I tried to find my way back.

I believed both those in service to me and other Masters who I consulted and talked with during this time when they said the struggles I was having were understandable. They said “don’t be too hard on yourself,” “give it time,” and “you need to heal and recover.” Their words of solace and advice were accurate. The healing offered by time was needed by both me and slave marsha particularly. Yet, during the early days and even well into the healing process, I now know that I was not living up to the responsibilities I accepted when I took others in service.

There has to be a way a Master and Sir can keep his or her relationships alive and strong during even the most devastating life changes. By saying this I am not by any means saying that I expect Master and Sirs to be all powerful and that they must somehow rise above all loss, never suffering or letting the grief and pain of loss affect them. What I am saying is that no matter what happens, Masters and Sirs, and for that matter, slaves and those in service, must never lose sight of who they are. Their touchstones must remain in place so even if they become distracted, at some level, they continue to be who they are and what they were meant to be.

I believe that I and slave marsha have emerged from the darkness. We have walked through the fire and both the bonds we have and the identities we live have been forged stronger. Experiencing the death of one so young brings everyone’s mortality into sharper focus. We have experienced a devastating loss, we have experienced a monumental change. I have found that seeing the loss as a fundamental change permits me to accept and understand it.

The only constant in life is change. Many changes we experience in our lives are ones we have no direct control over. In order to walk the chosen path of M/s, it is critical that we accept that changes are inevitable. If we are true to who we are, we will continue our journey, stronger and more committed as a result of the change. Recognizing the elemental nature of change – that the only constant in life is, in fact, change -- I hope will better enable me to deal with changes in the future. Most of all, I hope this understanding will help me keep my mastery in better focus, as well as my understanding of the needs of those in service to me.

In leather,
Master Jim

:: 4:57 PM [+] ::
...