:: Edgeliving: Master Jim and slave marsha ::

:: Wednesday, June 30, 2004 ::

I Am Poly…But I Am Not Polyamorous

The recent discussion by the readers of this website about polyamorous or poly relationships seems to be missing one important consideration: what do we mean when we say we are polyamorous? As I read the various posts, I came to realize that I might not understand what people mean when they call themselves “polyamorous.” So I did a quick Google search and found a site with the following definitions of polyamory:

“A long-term, romantically committed, multiple partner relationship.”

“The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.”

“Means ‘many loves,’ and refers to relationship styles of responsible non-monogamy.”

There were many more definitions, but these examples give a flavor of what people may mean when they say they are polyamorous. These selected definitions and most others, while they vary, do have common components: the idea of multiple relationships (poly), coupled with love (amor) and usually sex.

Now I say enough extreme things already, so I will not use this post to stake out a position against love and sex, especially sex. Trust me – I am strongly in favor of sex and I really do not have anything against love, either. I will, however, challenge the common practice of applying the term polyamorous to Master/slave relationships when what is being described may be, I think, something quite different.

I currently have two people in service to me – slave marsha as my slave and ryan as my man in service. I also am negotiating with a third person, a boy. Recently, I was asked if I considered myself to be polyamorous. I responded that I do not. Why not? After all, I certainly am not involved in a traditional monogamous relationship. But my response was based on defining the term polyamorous in a way consistent with the common definition of the word – multiple relationships based on romantic love.

If you have been following the writings on this website, or if you have heard me and slave marsha speak, you will know that I do not consider romantic love to be the foundation of my Master/slave relationship. While some kind of love may very well be a part of a Master/slave relationship, as it is in my relationship with slave marsha, it is in no way a romantic love. So as long as there is a common assumption that being polyamorous means having multiple romantic relationships, I will not call myself polyamorous.

But what if we take the romantic love idea (amor) out of the definition of polyamorous, leaving us simply with the term “poly?” Using just the term “poly” (many) to describe my relationships certainly is more accurate.

But calling myself simply “poly” really is not enough. It seems necessary to replace the “amorous” with something to describe the kind of multiple relationships in which I live. And after thinking about what might accurately describe them, the answer came to me – and was quite simple. I have a “polyservice” relationship with slave marsha as my slave and ryan as my man in service. Service is the foundation of these multiple relationships, not love.

And so, for those of us in multiple Master/slave or other service based relationships, I offer the alternative concept of “polyservice” to describe what we do. In my case, it simply fits where polyamorous does not.

In leather,
Master Jim

:: 9:43 AM [+] ::
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Taking Out My Hammer and Nails... Fixing the Trapdoor


“Getting out a hammer and grabbing a handful of nails. Finding a tall ladder, climbing up and beginning to nail the trapdoor shut.”

Ah, if it were only that easy, if we Owners could nail the trapdoor firmly shut so that it would never open again. Unfortunately, we cannot do that and the trapdoors that cause problems for Masters and slaves will remain precariously balanced on their tripwires, ready to spring open, often when least expected.

As slave marsha says below… “It [the trapdoor] could be a word from your Owner that he or she is displeased with you. Maybe you are given an order to do something very difficult that you never thought you’d have to do. Or suddenly it seems as though everyone else is having fun while you only work. Perhaps you realize you feel completely alone, as though no one understands or supports you. Or perhaps your Owner, who also is very human, breaks a promise he or she made to you.” If these trapdoors cannot be permanently nailed shut, what can be done to avoid a slave tumbling and spinning into the dark emptiness that awaits?

It is easier to answer that question by first saying what should not be done. Sometimes the trapdoor opens as a result of an Owner doing something that proves difficult for a slave, something the slave has been unable to absorb and make right with his or her slave heart. In that situation, in my opinion, the Owner cannot and should not say, “If that is difficult for you, I promise I will not do it again.” In other words, the Owner should not remove the reason that particular trapdoor opened. While such an action might alleviate the slave’s concern for that particular problem, what actually occurs is the slave assumes control. And even if that control is unobtrusive, it likely will result in far more serious difficulties down the road.

Of course, if slaves were robots then we might get to a place where all of the Owner’s actions were accepted with a smile and simple “Yes, Sir!” If that were the case, then there would be no problem with trapdoors. But slaves are not robots, and I do not wish to own a robot slave. Instead, slaves are human and will continue to have human reactions to difficult situations. Tasks or orders from Owners might stretch a slave to the limit, and it is perfectly understandable that the slave may experience hurt, disappointment, and even anger in such instances. These are human emotions and I do not think they can be totally eliminated.

But while these very human emotions may not be eliminated, an attempt can, and should, be made to control them. It is in this realm of emotional control that I believe trapdoors can be at least partially closed, and the fall through those that remain can be cushioned.

In her post, slave marsha speaks of being “centered.” Centeredness is what will help close some trapdoors and will ease the fall through others. But what does it mean to be centered? To me, it means:

· knowing you are slave and accepting who you are;
· embracing the philosophy for the M/s relationship under which you live;
· knowing that your Master’s control governs your life;
· accepting that obedience is of primary importance;

And perhaps most important;

· realizing that while the principle of ethical ownership will not protect you from pain, it will protect you from harm.

How does a slave reach this place of being centered, where he or she knows, accepts and embraces what it means to be a slave? I believe each slave must find a “key” that unlocks that knowledge and acceptance in his or her heart. But what is that key? Unfortunately, I cannot tell you what the key is or where it find it. The key will be different for each person, and the search for the key is a personal quest.

It is that key slave marsha is seeking for herself, with my assistance.

In leather,
Master Jim

:: 12:07 PM [+] ::
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Trapdoors: What do you do when the floor drops out from under you? (Part I)


Falling through the trapdoor. You know the feeling – one minute everything is fine, your Owner is content, you’re happy being a slave, you feel like you have some idea of what you’re doing and how to do even better. Life is good. The next minute – whoosh! Emotionally, it feels like you’re falling feet first into a dark chute, gathering speed by the second, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going or how to get out of this. All you know is that it’s going to be a bumpy ride to a hard stop at the bottom. Wherever that is.

And yes, i speak from painful experience.

Why does this "trapdoor experience" happen to slaves? And what can we do about it?

In several of our presentations, Master Jim and i talk about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and how it can help Owners and slaves understand some of the dynamics of their relationships. If you’re like me, you may have at least a vague memory of Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy from that Psych 101 class you took in college – which you took because (a) the professor was cute; (b) you heard the professor was an easy grader; or (c) the professor was both cute AND an easy grader. Maslow posited that all humans are subject to certain needs, and that the most basic needs must be met before humans can move on to seek out the next level of need. He visualized this “hierarchy of needs” in the shape of a pyramid. At the base of the pyramid is the most fundamental human need, the need for food, shelter and clothing. Just above that need in the hierarchy is the need for safety and security. Above safety and security are the need for love and a sense of belonging, the need for self esteem and respect from others, and finally, at the top of the pyramid, is the need for “self actualization” – that is, to be the most full and complete person you can be, to fulfill your life's purpose. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy, if you’re scrambling for food and shelter, you’re probably not too worried about finding your soul mate.

i am absolutely convinced that one of the most critical issues in Master/slave relationships is the slave’s need for safety. Why? Because by virtue of stepping into a Master/slave relationship, i no longer have a “safety net.” No longer do i have the right to demand that Master Jim change something because i find it difficult or frightening. No longer do i have the right to demand information from Him. No longer do I have control over my life.

Scary stuff. So, perhaps it’s not too hard to understand that it may not take much to cause a slave to believe that safety and security are only a distant memory and that the trapdoor has opened under his or her feet. And of course, all kinds of things can trigger the trapdoor. It could be a word from your Owner that he or she is displeased with you. Maybe you are given an order to do something very difficult that you never thought you’d have to do. Or suddenly it seems as though everyone else is having fun while you only work. Perhaps you realize you feel completely alone, that no one understands or supports you. Or perhaps your Owner, who also is very human, breaks a promise he or she made to you.

As slaves, we serve better when we are centered and secure. When we are safe in the knowledge of who we are and what our place in our Owner’s world is. But how do we stop the free fall slide through the trapdoor and down the chute? What can you do? What can i do?

You know something? i’m not sure i have an answer right now. Master Jim has been working hard to help me climb back out of my own personal, most recent trapdoor and to find my balance again, but i’m not fully there yet. So, with His permission, i’m trying something different with this post – i’m going to stop here, leaving the question on the table. You can bet that over the next few days, i’ll be thinking about the issue of what to do the next time i feel that trap door opening. i hope that i’ll come up with some thoughts to share in a second post on what we slaves might do when we find ourselves plummeting through the trapdoor.

And now, a final comment to my Owner, Master Jim:

Sir, thank You for not slamming the trapdoor behind me… and for reaching down and pulling me out, once again.

--slave marsha

:: 4:18 PM [+] ::
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