:: Edgeliving: Master Jim and slave marsha ::

:: Sunday, June 22, 2003 ::

It's only pain...

i am not a masochist. People always seem surprised when i say that, as if being a slave is all or only about SM. The truth is, being a slave is only seldom about SM, and mostly is about a whole lot of other things.

But i do take a hell of a beating.

Confused? Join the crowd. Let me try to explain. For me, a masochist is someone who derives physical pleasure (usually sexual/erotic) from receiving pain. i don't. Oh, i like my sex a little rough as much as the next person -- maybe more than the average next person -- but do i get aroused or wet from a flogging or caning or paddling? No. Hence, my statement that i am not a masochist.

But i do take a hell of a beating.

If you read Master Jim's post below, you know that His SM work is important to Him. You'll just have to take me at my word when i tell you that when Master Jim engages in SM work, He works hard. His preferred means of working are heavy floggings and body punching on the back, shoulders and arms. For variety, He also utilizes temporary piercing and cutting. When He works, it hurts.

So why do i do it? Well, i could answer with the obvious -- i'm a slave, and i don't have the option of saying no. And that's true. But the deeper reason is this: taking pain from Him is service. It is an honor to be the vehicle through which He chooses to explore Himself and me. As Master Jim said, this is a part of our Master/slave journey.

When you aren't a masochist and you're required to take pain, fear looms large in your mind. You know those endorphins everyone talks about aren't really going to help you out all that much. A hard cock or wet pussy isn't going to distract you from the fact that someone is hitting you, hard. It's a scary place. i've found that if i let the fear take control, it hurts much more. So, i've looked for ways to control the fear... and one way that works for me is to recite a mantra. One that i often use goes like this:

i call on the spirits of the slaves before me to give me courage...
i call on the spirits of the slaves before me to give me strength...
i call on the spirits of the slaves before me to give me endurance...
i call on the spirits of the slaves before me to give me grace.

Over and over i say it, as the blows fall. In it, i find peace and the ability to serve.

Sometimes, i use this one:

The pain is only a reminder.
The pain does not own me.
The pain does not control me.
The pain is only a reminder.
Of His ownership and control.

That's what it's all about for me. The pain is not an end in itself, but rather is a means to an end. A reminder that Master Jim is my Master and Owner. That i have given up control, even the right to say no to things that hurt. And it is service, to Him.

Yes, i do take a hell of a beating.

my pleasure to serve, Sir.

--slave marsha

:: 12:31 PM [+] ::
...

Playing with toys or working with equipment

“What S/M men now call play we called work. And when I am inclined to criticize the current style of S/M I have made the observation that children play and men work. Perhaps I am harsh in my assessment, but aren’t Masters supposed to be harsh?”

From “One Among Many: The Seduction and Training of a Leatherman” by Thom Magister, published in Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics and Practice, Mark Thompson, Editor
********************************************************

I read the short story that includes the above quote a number of years ago and when I did, the words literally jumped off of the page at me. SM as work…not SM as play. I had felt for a long time before reading that story that I was not playing when I engaged in SM, that what I was doing was far more serious and dangerous than play. The story brought things together for me. Now, I refer to all my SM activity as “work” and the SM implements I use as my “equipment” rather than my “toys” since it seems incongruous to me to talk about working with toys.

So, I consider SM work. Does that then mean that my SM takes on the painful drudgery that we often associate with work? Yes -- and no. Is it painful? Almost always. Is it drudgery? Never. I do not see my SM as an arduous or dreaded activity. Instead, it is work that I do because I enjoy it.

Even more importantly, my SM work is a means to a greater end. Just as an artist uses brushes, paint, and a canvas to create, I use SM work to explore my slave, or another I might be working with. SM is a means of discovery and through its use I hope to probe, push, open, and unleash what lies inside a person. What is inside may be laughter, tears, anger, silence, or a nearly endless array of other emotions. When I engage in SM work I am not seeking a particular response; I only ask that I be given honest reactions and emotions and the opportunity to use those emotions as a means of discovery.

Since I began sharing my view of SM as work, I am often asked: Don’t you have any FUN doing SM? My answer to that is for the most part, no -- because I am not looking for simple fun in my SM. Rather, I find the practice of SM to be difficult, dangerous, fulfilling, joyful and rewarding. For me, it goes much deeper than fun. It is an essential part of my Master and slave journey.

In leather,
Master Jim

:: 9:26 PM [+] ::
...

Knock, Knock, Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door….

Like Master Jim, i love the analogy of doors. i know i’ve faced many in this Master/slave relationship.

Some of the doors i’ve approached were grand and ornate, and as i passed through, i was greeted with fanfare. The night in 2001 that Master Jim and i were chosen as International Master and slave was one of those doors. It was a great night and the start of a memorable year.

But that grand and ornate door didn’t herald half of the change that i’ve experienced by stepping through other doors on my path of slavery. Plain, simple doors. No fanfare. But beyond the door…

Change. Real change.

One of those plain and simple doors was one of the earliest: the door i stepped through to become Master Jim’s slave. At the time, i had only the vaguest idea of what it would really be like. All i knew was that something inside of me called me to a different kind of life. Something inside me longed to be required to obey and to serve. Even when i didn’t want to.

There was no elaborate ceremony in a dungeon to herald the door to my life as a slave. No heavy SM “scene.” Nothing erotic. Only Master Jim and me, some candles, two leather roses – and words from the heart:

"Yes, Sir… this is what i want. To serve You. i consent."

"Yes, marsha… this is what I want. To own you. I consent."

Sometimes, the doors on our path are ornate and beautiful, or open wide so we can see the light and joy that await us on the other side. Sometimes we have to pound on the door until our knuckles bleed, fighting and clawing our way through. Sometimes the doors are simple and plain… but beyond the door, the path is dark… and to step through that door requires an act of faith and courage.

i followed Master Jim through that simple door and onto the unknown path beyond. Now, i find that door has closed behind me, and i can never go back to being who i was before. Thank god.

Oh yes… there are doors.

And so i close this entry as Master Jim did, with a thank you. Thank you, Mistress Dawn, for showing Him the first door. You would be proud of who He has become… and i hope that wherever your journey has taken you, you’ve found the door you were searching for.

--slave marsha

:: 10:06 AM [+] ::
...

Doors

Early on in my SM experience, a young woman who was wise beyond her years introduced me to the concept of doors. She said that if I continued to experiment with SM, that I might very well at some point go though a “door” and find that I had fundamentally changed, that I would want to make SM a regular part of my life and not something I just did occasionally. I honestly do not know if this person is still involved in SM at all, but I consider myself fortunate to have met her when I did, because she introduced me to some basic truths, and the idea of doors was one of them.

I now often refer to doors when speaking of SM, but more importantly when speaking of M/s. Mastery and slavery is a journey. We begin walking our path knowing very little about what we are doing. Sometimes the path is smooth and the way is easy. But sometimes on that path, we come to a door. To continue on the journey means going through the door. That door may be a new experience. It may be a new emotion. It may be a struggle in our M/s relationship. Whatever form it takes, a door in M/s involves growth and change.

Sometimes, it is relatively easy to step through the doorway in your path. Sometimes you can even open the door, decide you do not like what it on the other side, and go back to choose another path with a different door. But other times, you will face a door that opens only one way. To go forward means going through the door. And if you walk through it, you will never be the same. The first of those one way doors that I walked through many years ago was discovering SM. I liked it a lot. It was an experience that really turned me on. And at some point – although I couldn’t tell you exactly when -- I looked back and realized I could never go back through that door to the life I had before. SM had become a part of me.

Now that I am living as a Master with a slave, I continue to encounter doors in my journey. Some of them I pass through easily. But like my early experience with SM, some of the doors on my M/s journey only open one way – and they change my life. Let me offer one experience that may help clarify this.

There was a time early on in my M/s journey with slave marsha when it felt like I hit a wall. There were many different forces in my life at that time, many different events happening, and they all seemed to come down on me at once. I basically froze. Not only could I could not move, I did not know if I ever could exert my mastery again. I had run straight into a door that, in order to pass through it, required me to decide how much living as a Master really meant to me.

I stood at that door, frozen, for a long time while my M/s relationship hung in the balance. Finally, slave marsha had the courage to challenge me to open the door. She was afraid, afraid that she had lost her Master even though our journey had only just begun. But she stood up and challenged me. She asked where I was, where I had gone, what the hell had happened. And somewhere deep inside me, she found a spark, an ember and that ember began to grow and glow until the fire inside of me that drives me to live as a Master came back. When it did, I stood up and i grabbed her hair and forced her down to her knees and told her that I was back. With that act, I opened the doorway and stepped through. I faced who I was and what I wanted and I accepted it, despite the events around me that would have made it so easy to turn and walk away from M/s. Walking through that door caused a fundamental change in me.

That is what I mean by doorways. I can’t tell you which doorways you’ll face. Yours will be different from mine. But be certain that if you are walking the path of Mastery and slavery, you will encounter doors.

And so as I think about doors, I want to end this with a thank you. I know that she will more than likely never read this, and I know that I will likely never see her again.

For showing me that first door... Dawn, I thank you.

In leather,
Master Jim

:: 9:18 PM [+] ::
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