:: Edgeliving: Master Jim and slave marsha ::

:: Sunday, September 16, 2007 ::

The Test of Service

Not too long ago, someone said to me, "You say you've put your life in Master Jim's hands. But what makes you feel like you want to put your life in HIS hands?"

Good question. Tough question.

Truthfully, I don't think I can do this question justice in a blog post. i could write for hours -- maybe days -- and still not cover everything that i'd really want to say. So let me just say this.

The truthful answer isn't pretty and it isn't one people usually want to hear. In fact, it's an answer that is very difficult for me to share.

When things are going well, when i'm getting my needs (and a lot of my wants) met as a slave, when the sun is shining and the birds are singing and Master Jim has done SM with me and i'm allowed to serve in a way that makes me feel good and useful and slave-like, then it seems right and proper that my life is in his hands. Those are the easy times.

But I've come to believe that my slavery isn't defined by the easy times... instead, what defines it are the times that are tough.

So the fully truthful answer is that sometimes i *don't* want my life in his hands. Sometimes that's the LAST thing that i want.

But i leave my life in his hands because that's what i promised to do. To give him control, not just when it's easy or convenient, but through everything. i guess the truthful answer is that i believe if you really live as a slave, there will be times you don't want your life in your Owner's hands.

But if you meant your promise, if your word is your bond, you find some way to hang on. You remember all the times that the fact you put your life into your Owner's hands made you feel safe and complete. You remember that Owners are human, and bad stuff happens, but it doesn't mean you run away. You think about the fact that if your life fell apart, your Owner would be there for you.

You tell yourself that the real test of service is serving when it's tough, not when it's fun or easy. You remember telling him you would die for him. But now you understand that dying may not be the hardest thing a slave can be asked to do.

In fact, the hardest thing a slave may be required to do is to continue to live as a slave. Through doubt. Through fear. In times when you don't get what you think you need.

And so you do.

And so i do.

--slave marsha

:: 5:27 PM [+] ::
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