:: Edgeliving: Master Jim and slave marsha ::

:: Monday, April 25, 2005 ::

Choices

Choices. We all have to make them. We can’t avoid them. Although we may try to convince ourselves otherwise, even not choosing is a choice.

i choose to be this, but that means i won’t be that. i’ll have this relationship, but if i do, i can’t have that one. i’ll go here, but it means i can’t go there. Choices limit and define our worlds, our identities, our lives. The hard, hard truth is, none of us can have it all. We have to accept that, although far too many of us spend our lives in denial of that truth.

i think the most important choice i’ve made in my life is the choice i made to serve, to be a slave. But as i’ve traveled along this path that i chose, i’ve been stunned to discover that people pity me for my choice. Why? Because when i tell someone that i’m a slave, that i chose to turn over as much control of my life as possible to my Owner, they focus on what that choice required me to give up. And make no mistake about it – because of my choice, i have had to give up many things: control over how i dress, where i work, what i’m allowed to spend money on, where i go, who i can date, and so much more. (Note that as a femme leatherdyke “how i dress” was first on that list!)

i think it’s natural to look at what a choice makes us give up or requires us to pass by. Choosing is a frightening act, so it makes sense that we instinctively look at what we will lose by the choice we are asked to make. i think that’s particularly true when the choice is a truly significant and life changing one, like whether or not to enter service.

But let me let you in on a little secret, if you haven’t already discovered it for yourself: making a choice can also expand your horizons in ways you couldn’t have imagined, and in ways you couldn’t experience without making that choice.

That’s what choosing slavery has been like for me. No, it hasn’t all been fun and games, a bed of roses or hot times in the dungeon. (i hope that’s clear to anyone who’s read my thoughts on this website!) But by choosing – by understanding and accepting that i cannot have it all and so must choose – i’ve gained the incredible freedom to explore this thing called “consensual slavery” as deeply as possible.

There’s a song out by a group called Finger Eleven. The song is called “One Thing” – right now, it’s my favorite song and the lyrics to it are really what inspired me to write this entry. In part, it goes like this:

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something?

That’s how i see the choice i made to enter service. i gave it all away for one thing: to experience consensual slavery as fully as I can. i won’t tell you that i know all about this one thing – because i don’t – but believe i’ve given myself a priceless gift – the chance to know about it as deeply as possible.

Some of you who read those lyrics may think they’re sad… after all, look at everything i gave up for the one thing. But to me, those lyrics are filled with joy. They represent freedom – the freedom to choose to explore deeply in this life.

For me, the sad lyrics are the ones that come next in the song:

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time.

A choice made… to walk on by.

Or...

A choice made… to give it all away. To face the fear of choosing. To see how deep i can go.

Wouldn’t that be something?

It is.

--slave marsha

:: 10:55 AM [+] ::
...

Comments:

you never cease to amaze me with how well you express your self!

# posted by  Anonymous : 4:25 PM

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. i'm glad something i've said touched you in some way.

# posted by  marsha : 8:53 PM

 

i just wanted to say thank you for being so open and honest about your journey. i have read much of your writing since being part of The Journey a few years back, and you are a constant inspiration to me on this path i have chosen. This idea of making a choice is something i have been struggling with lately, and you have really given me a new way to look at things. Once again, thank you!

# posted by  Anonymous : 2:32 PM

 

reading this inspires me on a very deep level... thank you for putting so many of your thoughts into words. it's priceless.
with respect,
beth

# posted by  Anonymous : 11:38 PM

 

Post a Comment