:: Edgeliving: Master Jim and slave marsha ::

:: Wednesday, July 07, 2004 ::

Trapdoors: What Do You Do When the Floor Drops Out From Under You (Part II)

If you’ve been reading this website over the past month or so, you know that i’ve been struggling with some issues – what i call the “trapdoors” that slaves may find themselves falling themselves falling through just when they least expect it. In my first post about those trapdoors, i said that i’d be back to talk about what we might do as slaves when we find ourselves plummeting through that trap door and the idea of being “safe” seems like a distant dream. Well, here i am. i can’t say that i’ve found any definitive answers, but let me share a few lessons that i learned from this experience, the hard way.

But before i get to the lessons, i need to say thank you, once again. Thank you to everyone who read that post and immediately reached out to me to say “you’re not alone.” i needed to hear that. Thank you to everyone who, to this day, still takes the time to ask, “How are you doing?” And most of all, thank you to my Owner, Master Jim. You reached down and pulled me out of the darkness.

So, you may ask, what can a slave do when he or she realizes the bottom has dropped out and the free fall has begun? Let me suggest that if we find ourselves in that position, we try to do the following three things:

1. Don’t panic: Remember the book by Douglas Adams, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy?” Although i don’t remember too much about the plot (was there one?), i do remember that the words “DON’T PANIC” were inscribed in “large, friendly letters” on the cover of the Guide.

And there is the first lesson i learned. Don’t panic when you feel like you’re falling through the trapdoor. Don’t decide you’re not meant to be a slave and that you’ll rip off your collar, just as soon as you can find the key to the lock. Don’t throw up your hands and decide nothing can be done. All of which is easier said than done, i know… because of course, when it happened to me, i promptly panicked and made everything worse. But if you can control your panic, you’ll be in a better place to move on to the next suggestion…

2. Don’t “spin”: Even if you control that urge to panic, it’s so very easy to “spin” anyway. What do i mean by “spinning?” You know – it’s that awful place where your thoughts go around and around, over and over the situation, never finding resolution or a way forward. You feel like you’re on a never ending fall. And when you spin, it will be difficult, if not impossible, to keep from going right back to panicking.

While Master Jim was working on trying to stop my spin, He and i both happened to hear a radio piece on a school of psychotherapy called Cognitive Behavior Therapy, or CBT. (Of course i think “cock and ball torture” when I hear the initials “CBT” – doesn’t everyone?) In CBT, the focus is on examining your thinking patterns – your “automatic thoughts” – to see which ones are distorted and are causing anxiety. The idea is to identify the repetitive thoughts whirling around in your head that keep you from really addressing the situation.

Well, that certainly sounded like me in a spin.

Master Jim tried the CBT approach with me by having me very specifically identify the thoughts going through my head that were causing me to panic and to act out. Once those thoughts were clearly stated and out on the table, He could address them with me. And once that happened, i began to feel safe again. Which brings me to the third lesson i learned…

3. Talk with your Owner: We slaves seem to have a fundamental aversion to going to our Owners at the time we need them the most – when we are afraid and struggling. Too often, we see our struggles as failures when in fact, struggling is part of our growth. When we are struggling is exactly when we need the strength and support of our Owners. They own all of us – not just the good, but the bad and the ugly, too.

One of the things Master Jim has been doing that has helped me a great deal is to ask me regularly, “How are you feeling?” He is encouraging me to talk – which makes me feel much less alone and afraid and allows Him to catch many of those automatic thoughts before they put me into a full-blown spin. Slaves, we have to remember that our Owners, as fabulous as they are, are not mind readers. They will have a very difficult time helping us if we don’t talk with them and aren’t honest and open about our problems. (Of course, honest and open are different from whiney, demanding, critical, manipulative or disrespectful. But that’s a subject for another day.)

As you read these lessons, you may be saying to yourself, “This isn’t exactly rocket science, is it?” And you’d be quite right. It’s all pretty basic and obvious – but oh so difficult to remember when you’re falling through the trapdoor.

--slave marsha

:: 3:54 PM [+] ::
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