:: Edgeliving: Master Jim and slave marsha ::

:: Monday, June 09, 2003 ::

Knock, Knock, Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door….

Like Master Jim, i love the analogy of doors. i know i’ve faced many in this Master/slave relationship.

Some of the doors i’ve approached were grand and ornate, and as i passed through, i was greeted with fanfare. The night in 2001 that Master Jim and i were chosen as International Master and slave was one of those doors. It was a great night and the start of a memorable year.

But that grand and ornate door didn’t herald half of the change that i’ve experienced by stepping through other doors on my path of slavery. Plain, simple doors. No fanfare. But beyond the door…

Change. Real change.

One of those plain and simple doors was one of the earliest: the door i stepped through to become Master Jim’s slave. At the time, i had only the vaguest idea of what it would really be like. All i knew was that something inside of me called me to a different kind of life. Something inside me longed to be required to obey and to serve. Even when i didn’t want to.

There was no elaborate ceremony in a dungeon to herald the door to my life as a slave. No heavy SM “scene.” Nothing erotic. Only Master Jim and me, some candles, two leather roses – and words from the heart:

"Yes, Sir… this is what i want. To serve You. i consent."

"Yes, marsha… this is what I want. To own you. I consent."

Sometimes, the doors on our path are ornate and beautiful, or open wide so we can see the light and joy that await us on the other side. Sometimes we have to pound on the door until our knuckles bleed, fighting and clawing our way through. Sometimes the doors are simple and plain… but beyond the door, the path is dark… and to step through that door requires an act of faith and courage.

i followed Master Jim through that simple door and onto the unknown path beyond. Now, i find that door has closed behind me, and i can never go back to being who i was before. Thank god.

Oh yes… there are doors.

And so i close this entry as Master Jim did, with a thank you. Thank you, Mistress Dawn, for showing Him the first door. You would be proud of who He has become… and i hope that wherever your journey has taken you, you’ve found the door you were searching for.

--slave marsha

:: 10:06 AM [+] ::
...

Doors

Early on in my SM experience, a young woman who was wise beyond her years introduced me to the concept of doors. She said that if I continued to experiment with SM, that I might very well at some point go though a “door” and find that I had fundamentally changed, that I would want to make SM a regular part of my life and not something I just did occasionally. I honestly do not know if this person is still involved in SM at all, but I consider myself fortunate to have met her when I did, because she introduced me to some basic truths, and the idea of doors was one of them.

I now often refer to doors when speaking of SM, but more importantly when speaking of M/s. Mastery and slavery is a journey. We begin walking our path knowing very little about what we are doing. Sometimes the path is smooth and the way is easy. But sometimes on that path, we come to a door. To continue on the journey means going through the door. That door may be a new experience. It may be a new emotion. It may be a struggle in our M/s relationship. Whatever form it takes, a door in M/s involves growth and change.

Sometimes, it is relatively easy to step through the doorway in your path. Sometimes you can even open the door, decide you do not like what it on the other side, and go back to choose another path with a different door. But other times, you will face a door that opens only one way. To go forward means going through the door. And if you walk through it, you will never be the same. The first of those one way doors that I walked through many years ago was discovering SM. I liked it a lot. It was an experience that really turned me on. And at some point – although I couldn’t tell you exactly when -- I looked back and realized I could never go back through that door to the life I had before. SM had become a part of me.

Now that I am living as a Master with a slave, I continue to encounter doors in my journey. Some of them I pass through easily. But like my early experience with SM, some of the doors on my M/s journey only open one way – and they change my life. Let me offer one experience that may help clarify this.

There was a time early on in my M/s journey with slave marsha when it felt like I hit a wall. There were many different forces in my life at that time, many different events happening, and they all seemed to come down on me at once. I basically froze. Not only could I could not move, I did not know if I ever could exert my mastery again. I had run straight into a door that, in order to pass through it, required me to decide how much living as a Master really meant to me.

I stood at that door, frozen, for a long time while my M/s relationship hung in the balance. Finally, slave marsha had the courage to challenge me to open the door. She was afraid, afraid that she had lost her Master even though our journey had only just begun. But she stood up and challenged me. She asked where I was, where I had gone, what the hell had happened. And somewhere deep inside me, she found a spark, an ember and that ember began to grow and glow until the fire inside of me that drives me to live as a Master came back. When it did, I stood up and i grabbed her hair and forced her down to her knees and told her that I was back. With that act, I opened the doorway and stepped through. I faced who I was and what I wanted and I accepted it, despite the events around me that would have made it so easy to turn and walk away from M/s. Walking through that door caused a fundamental change in me.

That is what I mean by doorways. I can’t tell you which doorways you’ll face. Yours will be different from mine. But be certain that if you are walking the path of Mastery and slavery, you will encounter doors.

And so as I think about doors, I want to end this with a thank you. I know that she will more than likely never read this, and I know that I will likely never see her again.

For showing me that first door... Dawn, I thank you.

In leather,
Master Jim

:: 9:18 PM [+] ::
...

Don't Panic -- He's in Control

Master Jim controls my life. i know that. He knows that. But i have to admit, there are some days when the control feels so tenuous, so... loose... that i doubt.

Master Jim and i have talked about this a great deal, as it is one of my struggles. i think slaves in general need more proof that we are controlled than our Owners need proof that they control us. Our owners know that if they command us to do something, we will do it, or if we don't, that they will correct or punish us. But as slaves, i think we can't help but wonder: will our Owner notice? Does our Owner care?

Control really is the thing that makes a M/s relationship different from all other adult relationships. For example, i am a femme dyke who adores butches. But i promise you -- no butch "controls" me when we're in a romantic relationship. In those relationships, compromise and negotiation are the rules of the day, not control.

Control is the hallmark of M/s. Turning over control of my life to another human being -- a flawed human being who i know will fail from time to time -- is the most frightening and joyful thing i've ever done. Handing over control doesn't make me feel weak -- it makes me feel strong. To say to a world that believes independence is all, "i am marsha, and i choose slavery, i choose to be controlled," is the ultimate freedom. i am free to choose differently. In that freedom, i choose to be a slave. i choose to be controlled.

And that's why i crave evidence of it and panic if i lose the feel of it. i need to know without a doubt that i am controlled. That i am a slave. That what i do means as much to Him as it does to me.

--slave marsha

:: 9:23 PM [+] ::
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The Essential Element: Control

It is commonplace today, both in the D/s and M/s communities to hear the concept of “diversity” applauded. The claim is that there really is no one right way to do things, that individuals are free to develop their own approaches and methods to Dominance and submission and Mastery and slavery. I fully agree that there is no one way to walk the path of Mastery and slavery; however, I firmly believe that there is one element that is absolutely necessary for any Master/slave relationship. That element is control.

The control that a Master exercises over his or her property may vary. For some, particularly when they are beginning their M/s journey, the control over the slave may develop incrementally, with the Master adding elements of control over a period of weeks, months and even years. If an experienced Master and slave are coming together, the initial control may be much more complete. The important point is that some degree of control is an absolute necessity. Without it, a Master/slave relationship simply does not exist.

I began my Master/slave journey with slave marsha by assuming control over certain aspects of her life. When we began this journey, both of our experiences were grounded in SM, and not M/s. I cannot say that at the beginning of this journey I had an epiphany that revealed to me that the only way to succeed at this was to go slowly, adding control in increments. I simply felt that assuming control slowly was the best way, and the way that felt most comfortable for me. Today, six years after beginning my M/s journey, I control all aspects of my slave’s life. Some days that control is operationalized by making very detailed decisions over what she can and cannot do. On other days, the control is exercised at a much more general, or higher, level. But regardless of how the control manifests itself on any given day, I and slave marsha both know that she is my property, and subject to complete control.

In leather,

Master Jim

:: 9:03 PM [+] ::
...

It's all about socks.

slave marsha’s blog entry about her search for my preferred sock-type is a very enlightening piece on service. When service is discussed, the reference often is to the slave’s need to serve and the master’s need to be served. I firmly believe that service is an essential part of a Master/slave relationship and that it is incumbent upon masters to provide service opportunities for their slaves. While identifying service opportunities or service tasks for the slave is not difficult, identifying the form that service should take to enhance and maintain a Master/slave relationship is more difficult.

Prior to beginning my Master/slave journey, I was a very self-sufficient person. I took care of myself and had no problem doing the day-to-day tasks that we all must do. While I did not reject the idea of having service provided to me, I also saw no need to be waited on. I have not really changed and still do many tasks myself. The idea that owning a slave frees one from all task-oriented activity is simply false. For example, I cook because I like to cook, I take out the garbage if the trashcan is full and slave marsha is involved elsewhere because I do not like a messy house, I go for coffee and a paper in the morning because I like to get out of the house early. The reality of service is that there are only 24 hours in a day, there is only so much a slave can do, and masters do many things for themselves. Having a slave means that I have a person who obeys my directives and improves the efficiency of my household and it is my choice as to how that is accomplished..

So what does service look like in my Master/slave relationship? I have a very broad view of what constitutes service and I believe that a master should take advantages of the strengths of his or her slave when determining what service will be provided. slave marsha works outside my home in a very demanding profession. I define her work as service to me and, in fact, she begins each workday with the following affirmation:

“Everything i do today at work is service to You and i thank You, Sir.”

Since her research, organization, and communication skills are excellent, much of her service revolves around managing my household and calendar. I have her handle most of my correspondence, prepare outlines of my M/s presentations, plan all aspects of my travel, and coordinate my calendar. she also is a very intelligent, well-educated, and well-read person who often serves as my traveling companion. slave marsha definitely does many of the day-to-day errand and cleaning activities necessary to run a household; however, I also employ a cleaning service to clean my home and a yard service to cut my grass, not because slave marsha cannot do these things, but because I have her doing other tasks that are a higher priority to me and that I cannot find others to do. The bottom line is that a slave’s service is defined by what the master wants and needs and not by some mythical concept of what service should be. If those needs are to have the house cleaned, grass mowed, and car washed, then that is how service is primarily defined; if those needs are centered on organizing and managing the master’s household and schedule, then that is how service is primarily defined; if those needs are a mixture of both, or take on some other form entirely, then that is how service is primarily defined.

In the end it is all about the socks, or finding the perfect hotel, or drafting an appropriate email, or maintaining the yard, or editing a book, or cleaning the toilet, or __________ (you fill in the blank). It is service that is essential -- not the form that it takes. And yes, I was very pleased with my socks.

In leather,
Master Jim

:: 2:31 PM [+] ::
...

On today's service...

Some days as a slave are definitely more exciting than others. Today is definitely not one of the exciting days for me.

All of our greatest M/s porn novels depict slaves doing wonderful, erotic stuff, on what seems like an hourly basis. The Owner is always there, to mete out appropriate praise or punishment or SM (all erotic, of course). Generally, great sex follows. Pretty exciting service. Pretty exciting life.

What service did i offer today? Basically, it boiled down to this: i found socks. Yes, socks. Not just any socks, though. The perfect socks. The socks my Owner loves above all others and has been looking for in vain. Let me tell you, these socks are not easy to find. i was thrilled. i bought 6 packages. Yes, slaves tend to overdo things from time to time.

Now, i'll admit -- my Owner was very happy that i found the socks and He told me so. Nevertheless, i regret to report that although i was delighted i found the socks in question, and He was delighted i found the socks in question, i did not experience any erotic reaction. In other words, no wetness ensued from this particular service. i will not be whipped (erotically or otherwise) as praise for this service. Nor do i expect great sex to follow from this service. (Of course, the fact that my Owner is gay and i'm a dyke gives a whole new twist to the role of sex in a Master/slave relationship.)

But this is what it really is like to serve. It's about the little things, about always looking for something that will make your Owner's life better. Maybe one day it's great socks. Maybe another day....

i always wonder about the slaves who say their every moment as a slave is drenched in eroticism, that they get wet/hard from everything they do. my personal favorite was the slave who claimed to orgasm from cleaning the toilet. i felt inadequate for days after hearing that, never having come close to orgasm from that particular activity. The reality of slavery is that maybe it starts out that everything is an erotic adventure, but eventually, you find that you're doing something like... buying socks... and *gasp* -- it just isn't erotic.

And that's okay.

Because really, at the bottom of it all, it's not about us as slaves and how erotic the service may make us feel. When it happens (and it does happen), it's a bonus. What living as a slaves is really about serving to the best of our ability. Whether or not we're praised. Whether or not the Owner is there to see. Whether or not SM or sex results.

No, my day wasn't very exciting. But tonight, before i go to sleep... i'll know that He has socks. Lots of socks. Because i served Him today.

And that will be enough.

--slave marsha

:: 8:42 PM [+] ::
...

I am not sure whether this blog-based chronicle of my Master/slave relationship will generate many, some, or relatively few comments from me. I am by nature a very private person; however, the creation of this blog represents a very important point in a Master/slave relationship. Many believe that in an M/s relationship, all important thoughts and ideas come from the person in control, namely, the Master. In my experience, nothing could be further from the truth. I encourage slave marsha to provide me input on many different matters. She approached me with the idea of creating this blog. In fact, she approached me weeks ago with the idea. The fact that I finally agreed to its creation is not the result of a nagging slave, for she does not do that and I would not tolerate it if she did. Rather, it is a decision based upon solid information provided by slave marsha as to the potential benefits such a blog might offer to both myself and my slave, as well as others who are interested in M/s relationships. In my opinion, slaves should be treated as valuable resources. The value of individual slaves will depend on their own set of strengths, weaknesses, and skills. One of slave marsha's strengths is the ability to generate new ideas and approaches to communication. This blog is an example of that and an example of how a slave can be used in an effective and meaningful way.

In leather,
Master Jim

:: 7:45 PM [+] ::
...

Well, here we go. Master Jim has agreed that i can create a blog where He and i can record our thoughts about Master/slave relationships -- ours in particular.

Let me start with what you, the reader (if any), won't find here. You won't find a day-by-day account of His life with me. He's just too private for that. You probably won't find any titillating descriptions of hot SM here. Or at least not too often. You probably won't even find daily posts from Him (or from me).

What will you find? You'll find discussion of real-life consensual Mastery and slavery. Not the always-hot, always-hard, always-wet description of M/s in our porn novels (bless 'em), but the real deal. The good and the bad of it. The fears and the joys.

You'll find edgeliving, the way it's practiced by Master Jim and me -- His slave.

So, here we go.

--slave marsha

:: 7:00 PM [+] ::
...